What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 13:44
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
How do you write a letter to your uncle who sent you money for your birthday outfit?
Im still living with it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I waited trembling.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why have Indian girls almost stopped wearing sarees?
This is soul school!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was 9 years of age.
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It was going to be , some day.
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She found it foreign!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I have no regrets .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Would this be the day?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot live in the past .
I will be 64.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My life is so biszare .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He knew the spot.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I think the readers, may guess!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Comes on , in middle age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
I said to her
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She married twice! .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I never cut or harmed myself..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I don,t even have a pension.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Put me off passion for life!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!